Journal Entry 1- New Year, Same Name

 Prompt: What is going well and what is challenging about bringing the work from our SI into your work at your school? What are the next implications for your leadership?

Somehow school year 22-23 feels like an extension of the last three years. It's like summer didn't really happen and I'm somehow just becoming an admin. School year 19-20 was my first time stepping into the role of administrator and three years of pandemic-era leadership combined with my first year not having an actual summer break have led to a whirlwind start that feels like I just stepped out of the classroom and began this journey. I'm not really sure where time has gone. That combined feeling partnered with a major life change in getting married in two weeks has me feeling a little disheveled and a little uncertain of what's happening to me. My mantra right now is to just keep being and clinging to the love and happiness I feel when I walk in that building full of kiddos learning, socializing, and being all things teenager. Today was the day that "back to school" became a thing of the past and the reality of 2,200 students being in a building together caught up with us. All the drama. All the disagreements. All the challenges that make this work hard but oh so rewarding. The to do list keeps growing with student incidents, teacher challenges, leadership needs, and all the things. Distractions are everywhere so the opportunity to stop, reflect, and anchor into my purpose is perfectly timed with this journal entry.

Reflecting on successes so far, I find joy in the high-expectation culture of teaching and learning that has been re-emphasized on our campus. We spent our first days with staff building teams off campus and leading our staff in professional learning that was meaningful, purposeful, and effective. For the first time in two years, I feel like I've had time to dedicate to onboarding new staff effectively, build relationships with staff, and check on my people. We have several new members on our Lead Instructional Team and we've jumped into the work full steam ahead. We created a round robin session that set the tone for our work this year. I'm proud of my ability to speak candidly about our data and the why for the work which is centered on equity and creating a sense of belonging for all students on our campus. I made specific, candid statements about our school's areas for growth and I named issues of equity with confidence and a sense of urgency for addressing them. A consistent message about returning to the roots of our culture and our expectations was made clear from session to session. I feel like I've found my voice and I'm using it way more than I've done the past three years. I've communicated my "why". I've told my story. I have some amazing leader collaborators who are also there in their journey and we're dedicated to making our school the best place to teach and to learn. I'm also SUPER excited to present at the EL Education National Conference with two of my most favorite educators (shout out to Meg for being one of them!). We found out our proposal was accepted today and I cannot wait to share our knowledge on a national stage! Find your joy. Celebrate the wins!

In all the wins, there is certainly also challenge. Things are moving at the speed of light, the issues of equity I care so deeply about are already surfacing, and I'm already so far behind. Today's to do list was long and absolutely nothing on it got accomplished in the building. We had three fights. One of which resulted in an expulsion recommendation for a female student of color our entire team has poured into for two years. I'm disheartened by that and can't help but wonder what the outcome could be if we were a better system for our kids that provided the right spaces and the right conditions to help students navigate conflict and built safe spaces for students to feel comfortable coming to us for help. If you've spent any time with me during APA, you've heard me talk about B Wing and how our black students find community there. This year, we've returned to no students on the academic wings during instructional hours which means that space is no longer an option. This shift means the academic wings are quiet and conducive to learning, but it hasn't fixed root issues for students that don't find belonging in common spaces like our Learning Commons. Students are now congregating in the cafeteria and on Main Street right in front of the main office. Two days in a row, I've responded to radio calls for conflicts in those spaces between students of color. We haven't fixed the problem. We've moved the problem. All of this is probably TMI and seems like rambling. My point is that the urgency is clear and my challenge lies in feeling like I've done all this great mental work on myself this summer but nothing is at play in the building yet. I don't do well with non-movement when I feel responsible for the work. I'm ready to get going! That leads to my other challenge of time. New school years mean open calendars to go with the flow and respond where needed but also they also lead to days that get consumed by everything but the actual to do list. It's time to take charge of my calendar and make sure my time is intentional for systemic improvement. I haven't made any progress towards my data collection or teaming needs. That work must begin ASAP. My next steps are to think seriously about my time and get meetings scheduled to start movement.

My name is changing in two weeks (well maybe, we're still negotiating a hyphen scenario, haha). I am having a hard time reckoning with not being Jenna Howell. A big piece of that is tied to my professional career and what being Jenna Howell, the educator, has meant to my life and to so many students I've encountered. I'm 36. I have a big chunk of life behind me as Jenna Howell. It is my identity. Who I am at the core. I have never been challenged to understand that. I've never been challenged to find my identity or to change it for someone else. I linger in the strength I find in my identity and I reflect on what that might feel like for someone who is challenged because of their identity. Someone who is not seen for who they are. Someone who is asked to be something or someone else. My work is renewed in that reflection to be a fighter for humans. To be an advocate for those who aren't seen. To live up to who I say I am as Jenna Howell. My next steps are anchored in that. Through all the abstractness I feel in this work and not knowing where to go, I will remain Jenna Howell (hyphen new name or not) and I will fight for humans. That's where I'm at. That's who I am.