I reflect a lot. If there is anything I am taking away from this process, and especially my mid year conversations, it is that I reflect and analyze a lot. I love the study of human behavior and I ponder what people are doing and why they are doing it more than I like to admit. I can't escape it. Not even at brunch. I love to understand what's happening. I also apply this to myself as a learner, as a leader, and as a human. I'm a processor of information and the humanness of the work we do. I think through my decisions and my actions with precision of detail and consider the impacts of every move I make. That is great. I see myself and I see others with sometimes too much clarity. While great, it's also my achilles heel. My brain doesn't shut off. When I'm learning, I'm processing. When I'm acting, I'm processing. When I'm trying to sleep, I'm processing. What if? What's next? Why in the first place? I spend so much time working through all the information, that sometimes I get distracted from the movement. I spend so much time absorbing, that I forget to say words out loud because I'm writing narrative in my head. I see this parallel playing out in my APA experience. I have deep knowledge of my daily responsibilities and needed work. I act on those needs efficiently because my brain is confident and centered. When I'm grappling through APA work, sessions, and new experiences, I am more quiet and slow. I'm processing. I'm analyzing. I'm taking every detail in. I write about it well after the fact. I regurgitate my analysis with ease after I've reflected, but I may miss spaces to push others, to speak grapple into the air, and to grow my spoken truth to the level of effectiveness of my written truth. I'm different as an active leader than I am as an active learner. I'm moving forward with a growth point of merging those two worlds. I need to be a better delegator. This is a point I hadn't really considered as a need until now. I'm good at building others up around me and handing what I can off. That said, I need to do more. I know I need processing time for the new, hard work. I have to find spaces to share the thinking, to share the load, and to create spaces for the deep reflection I know I need. I'm narrowing my focus of work for my change project and letting go of pieces that others can do. I'm letting go of the need to control all spaces of things set in motion by my work. I am focusing in on the pieces I can directly control and need to focus on to effectively lead the work. In the direct context, this means letting two of our team commitments go and trusting my leadership team to move the work forward while I focus elsewhere. That is hard for me but I am realizing the time constraints of the year and the work that needs to get done. I can't be my best if I'm responsible for thinking through it all with everyone. Letting go. That's what I'm doing. I'm not getting louder. I'm setting focus on my thinking with intentionality. If you need me, I'll be over here processing magic.
Yes, girl! Every bit - YES!! I can't formulate words because you post took my thoughts from my head. (You are so good at that! Use that in interviews! :) ). The processing time you discuss is something as leaders I think we forget we need. As we bounce from task to task and decision to decision, we forget that a lot of those things can be small potatoes! Where is the hard work? The big work? How can we share the thinking and share load?
ReplyDeleteIf you love the study of human behavior, I highly recommend the great works of Malcolm Gladwell. He blends sociology with relevant topics and current events. Always fascinating. My favorite book of his is "Outliers." It's a classic.
ReplyDeleteGreat points here. I appreciate your honest reflection of your process, your strengths and your areas of growth. As a leader, there will be times when you should stay quiet and process individually, but there will definitely be other times when your team needs to hear your internal grapple. Being able to decipher when to do that and when to hold back takes experience and confidence, but you are well on your way. Keep at it!
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