I'm late. This was due Monday. It's Wednesday at 5:20 and I'm just making it happen. That's not like me, but this week it's what I needed to do. It's not because of time and the inability to get it done, but because I'm sitting in a fast paced funk of a leadership stint where things are completely out of my control and they are damaging to my heart and soul. The things I really need to share are not able to be shared. So for that, I'm sorry. You'll just have to sit in the funk with me and know the place I'm talking about from your own experiences as a leader. It's the funk that is lonely and isolating because you can't speak. Those are the rules. You can't create narrative. You can't act. You can't inform. You can't protect and defend. That's a funky place we hate to be. It's counter to what we are meant to do. It drives us crazy. It's also ironic that my last post was about not wanting to always speak, and now all I want to do is shout from the rooftop. Still, we get up. We show up. We take beatings to our character and morality and we watch those around us take the same beatings. It's hard. It's depressing.
Like mothers do, my mom sensed this state and she sent me a message last night that said, "take pride in doing what is right, and let the negative bounce off." Thanks, mom. Easier said than done, but so right. Resilience is hard this time of year and in circumstances like the funk I'm referencing. Things move at the speed of light and there is simply no time. Pair that with this funk that has found me and those around me and it seems like the world is moving and I'm just stuck in quick sand. Still, the work is there. The negativity can't define me even though it questions every ounce of the hard work the team is doing. Resilience has to win. Goodness has to win. But, how?
For me, the answer has to live in the work I can do. I will carry on with ordering AP exams, designing professional learning, creating schedules, hiring staff, working through my discipline inbox, planning celebrations of learning, and at some point, changing the system with movements with my change project. I left our last session together almost in tears of frustration with my work. It doesn't fit molds. It doesn't have immediate gains. Some of my teaming is not making progress. It isn't what dreams are made of. That's ok. Sometimes as leaders, we have to step back from the pots of gold magic we are chasing and just get to work solo. That's the point I'm at. Alone is okay sometimes. It's not the purpose of learning to grow teams, but it's a good reflection of the reality of how the work goes. This is the part where I would play you All By Myself and have a pity party. That's okay. Like I said, I'm in a funk. Meanwhile, I'm working on drafting an alternative to suspension plan. I've found some great resources to help guide me, but the piece I need most is student voice. For reasons that relate to the "I can't speak" part I said earlier, I don't feel like now is the time to host a student panel related to what I need to know. That's frustrating but I know that day will find it's way back to me and it will be okay. In the meantime, I'll keep working. My apologies for the depressing message today, but I know you get it and you love me anyway.
I appreciate your heartfelt and honest reflection here. Leadership can certainly be a lonely place, and the nature of being in the spotlight can make that loneliness more difficult. I have found that in times like you describe, I have to be very intentional about personal care so I can be more resilient, more intentional with my reactions while in the spotlight and more focused on the work that can be done and should be done. For me, that looks like being outside whenever possible, as hard as that can be with the pace of the work right now. I hope you also have found that thing - that activity or that strategy - that allows you to separate and recharge. Be intentional about that as a leader. And, remember this - the students, families, and staff need YOU. You are in this space and time for a reason, and I am confident that your ongoing reflection and modeling of resilience in this season will help those in the same space as you to keep moving forward.
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